Absolution
by SassyAngel05
Summary: Adam considers everything that has happened at the dance in The Uncertainty Principle and finds out what absolution really is.


Author: Vona

Title: Absolution

Rating: PG

Pairing: J/A undertones

Disclaimer: I wish I owned Adam.  Or Kris Lemche.  Barbara Hall owns 'em.

Summary: Adam considers his feelings during and after The Uncertainty Principle.

**_Absolution_**

            _Forgiveness.  What is forgiveness?  Something that man made up?  God?  Everyone craves it, the polite approval of wrongdoing.  _

_"Oh, that's okay, Eve.  I didn't really want to live in Eden, anyway.  Too many flowers."_

_Is forgiveness supposed to be easily given?  A quick I'm sorry and it's all right, completely finished.  Is forgiveness something earned?  A constant slew of apologies and suddenly kind gestures to make up for whatever it was that started the fight in the first place.  Or is it something that is given without realization?  Anger for days and instantly the fight seems so petty compared to a recent occurrence that anger has fallen down to the bottom of the importance list.  Exoneration. Clemency. Forgiveness._

            Adam Rove poured over his book at the table at the Crystal Ball. He wasn't sure why he was there.  He didn't have a date, shockingly.  He didn't even like dances.  He went, avoided contact with others, certainly didn't dream of dancing, and more or less stayed in his private universe.  He'd never minded it before, but this year he did.  He wanted to go with Joan.  He couldn't.  No matter how beautiful she would have looked in a dress, he wouldn't be able to notice her beauty, even from an artist's point of view.  All he would see was her hurling a chair at **_Ascension_**.  It wasn't a pretty replay, but he wasn't able to stop it.  It was out of his control.  The photographic memory Joan had loved so much was now the curse that kept them from rekindling their friendship.  Adam looked up to take another quick survey of the gymnasium.  He was going to try to talk to Joan a little if she came.  He was tired of not talking to her.  She was trying so hard to repent her mistake, explain herself.  He would give her a chance, even if he didn't forgive her.  He wanted to hear her explanation now.  Mrs. Girardi arrived at the dance and Adam wondered why Joan wasn't with her. Luke had come along and Grace had met him there.  Adam honestly hadn't expected to see Grace at the dance, dressed formally.  He had to admit it was a sort of weird, though not nearly as weird as Adam felt in a tie.  Adam finally looked at Mrs. Girardi and said the cursed words.  "Is Joan here?"

He didn't like the look of sympathy that rose on her face.  Her eyes involuntarily darted behind him, so Adam turned to see what she was staring at.  Joan, in a black dress, stood next to Stephen Ramsey.  She'd gone to the Crystal Ball with Ramsey, his old friend and new enemy.  How could Joan do something like this to him?  Apparently she didn't want to start their friendship up again.  She even looked like she was having fun with Ramsey.  Adam leaned back in his chair, a forlorn look on his face, unable to stop the pain from showing.  Mrs. Girardi tried her best to remove the hurt from him, saying some kind of nonsense about how girls their age didn't know what they were missing.  Adam wasn't really listening anymore.  All he could hear was Joan's laughter alternating with the sight of Joan tearing **_Ascension _**down.  Adam could feel his heart hardening.   Joan seemed to almost be out to shatter it into a million pieces like she did with **_Ascension, _**even if she didn't intend to.  His life had slowly gone down hill after meeting Joan.  Suspension.  Bullying.  Broken hearts.  Everything that could have gone wrong had.  He physically and emotionally hurt everywhere.  He was helpless against the ache Joan had caused him.  It was as if Joan was inside his own body, stomping on his brain, squeezing his heart, pushing on his stomach.  Adam tried to turn his attention away from Joan and Ramsey, but he couldn't.  He was masochistic.  Joan was the light and he was the lowly bug, unable to be drawn away from the brightness, no matter how injured he could become.  

Ramsey and Joan danced.  

Ramsey and Joan ate.

Ramsey and Joan talked.

Ramsey and Joan laughed.

Ramsey and Joan.

Ramsey and Joan.

Ramsey and Joan.

He couldn't get it out of his head.  The words were a mocking song, a silent taunt that pounded inside his mind.  Adam began to bang his head on the table, trying to make it disappear; the images, and the song.  He couldn't be jealous of Ramsey.  No.  He hated Joan.  Well, maybe not hate, but seriously disliked her.  He couldn't possibly be jealous of the overgrown bully.  He couldn't.  It was impossible.

_            Fury.  Fury is an odd emotion.  Hate, hurt, anger, all combined into one tiny neat package.  Fury is what is felt when someone betrays a person.  Betrayal.  Also an ugly word.  So many words in the English language convey bad meanings and feelings.  Fury is another one of them.  Fury is deep in a person's heart, stemming from pain that gives some sort of relief from the hurt.  The thing about fury is it's imbedded inside and no amount of apologies can fix the damage.  None.  Still, fury rages inside until it dissipates.  Suddenly, it's gone.  Disappeared into thin air and even thinking about the cause of the pain can't bring it back.  Wrath. Vehemence.  Fury._

            Adam stayed in his corner, staring.  He wished he could close his eyes to block it out, but even that didn't help.  He felt lost and sad and most importantly, furious.  How could Joan do this to him?  She seemed to find the one thing that could possibly hurt him more than anything else she'd done and act on it.  Adam was fairly certain she didn't do it on purpose.  Joan seemed to just have a knack for it.  Joan actually seemed to have a penchant for trouble.  She was an angel and a demon, high above and down below, Paradiso, Purgatory, and Inferno all wrapped in one.  She would bring a person up, high as a bird, making them feel like they are the most special people in the universe.  Then, something she did brought them all crashing down into a heap of tears and blood and apologies.  Joan was aware of the damage she'd done.  Why did she do it continually?  Adam focused back on the couple in time to see Mr. Pryce stop them.  Joan had just fallen to the floor in a fit of giggles.  Even Ramsey was smiling.  Joan had that affect on people.  Yes, there was the ultimate high he'd receive.  Mr. Pryce said something and pulled a bottle of liquor out of Ramsey's pocket.  There was the fall.  Ramsey ran out of the gym and Joan followed him.

"Ramsey!  Wait!"

Adam followed as if watching some kind of horror movie.  He didn't want to see what happened, but he did.  Ramsey was driving away and Joan darted out in front of the truck.  She was yelling at Ramsey and all he could do was hope Ramsey didn't step on the gas pedal again.  Joan ran around the truck and opened the car door.  Adam couldn't stop himself from reaching out to stop her, to knock some sense into her.  Unfortunately, he was too far away.  Before Adam knew what happened, Joan was gone with a speeding Ramsey away from the school.  Adam hurried back into the gym.  He had to help Joan.  Ramsey was dangerous, whether she realized it or not.

_            Fear.  Fear is a horrible emotion.  Fear is the feeling in the pit of the stomach, the worry and dread that weighs a person down.  Fear was nearly impossible to get rid of.  It wasn't something fixed with meaningless words or even time.  Fear was there until the event passed, the person was safe, the test was over.  Fear never disappears.  Fear never gets better.  Fear remains for an impossibly long time and no matter what a person tries to do to relieve it, it doesn't go away.  Apprehension.  Terror.  Fear._

            Adam was sitting next to Mr. Girardi in the police car.  They were silent, joined in their fear and worry for Joan.  Adam gave quiet directions, almost unintelligible mutterings.  He turned to stare out of the window.  The night was pitch black, hardly even any stars.  Adam had always liked those kinds of nights.  Until then.  Adam remained thankful that he was once friends with Stephen Ramsey. He usually regretted it.  If he hadn't been, they would have no clue where to look for Joan.  Joan could already be hurt.  They could be too late.  That fear haunted him, taunted him.  **"Joan could die thinking you hated her."**  What a lie that would have been.  He never hated her.  Even while she smashed **_Ascension_**, he hadn't hated her. He'd been hurt.  He hadn't understood.  He hadn't even wanted to understand.  He didn't ever want to hear her explanations.  He'd feared them.  He was terrified that her explanation would make too much sense to him.  That was the last thing he wanted, to understand.  Now, though, that was exactly what he wanted.  He wanted to understand the way she thought, why she did what she did.  Like why did she leave with Ramsey?  He was terrified they wouldn't get to her in time.  Finally, the familiar trees came into view, as did Ramsey's truck, then Ramsey and Joan.  Mr. Girardi got out of the police car and started talking.  Adam got out as well, despite previous instructions to stay in the car.  The first thing Adam saw was Joan's tear stained face.  Then, Ramsey's gun.  He was waving it around as if he didn't care that he was pointing a loaded gun at a dozen police officers and the Police Chief's daughter.  Joan looked afraid, but not exactly of Ramsey.  For him.  It was in her eyes.  Leave it to Joan to worry about the maniac with a loaded gun.  Mr. Girardi talking peacefully to the hysterical boy, trying to calm him.  Joan was speaking behind Ramsey, though none of them could hear what it was she said.  Ramsey dropped the gun on the ground and relief passed visibly through the entire entourage.  Everyone except Joan, that is.

_            Relief.  Relief is a fickle emotion.  Relief is safety, knowing that everything will be all right.  Everyone hopes to achieve a moment of relief, clarity on why the world is the way it is.  Relief wipes everything that has been bubbling inside and replaces it with a warm, fuzzy feeling of security.  Relief is part hope, part reality.  Sometimes relief is false.  People start to feel safe in their tiny bubble, praying they'll never have to go out of it again.  They'll stay inside, boy-in-the-plastic-bubble-safe.  They'll continue on in their own happy worlds.  There is nothing wrong with secluding into unreality, but one day everything comes crashing down.  Then relief is gone.  Release. Reprieve.  Relief._

            Adam wanted to run to Joan and hug her.  He wanted to bolt in the other direction and yell at whoever watched over them in the sky for everything bad that had happened to him.  He wanted to scream at Joan for being stupid and horrible.  He wanted to cry.  Joan stayed underneath the huge tree she'd previously cowered under and slumped down, trying to hide herself from everyone and no one.  She wasn't even able to stand.  Mr. Girardi probably would have been yelling at her if he weren't in the middle of arresting Ramsey.  Joan looked pitiful, alone and lost and scared and relieved and confused and angry.  Almost in an epiphany, if Adam Rove had those, he realized he wasn't angry anymore.  The entire fight seemed completely petty next to Ramsey's problems and the ordeal Joan had just gone through, even if it was of her own accord.  Adam walked around the police car, wishing he could reassure Joan that everything was all right; give her some momentary relief.  Even if everything wasn't all right.  Adam walked slowly, steadily, down to where Joan had sunk down into a pile of skirts and mud.  She didn't say anything.  Adam wasn't even sure she was aware of his presence.  He heard her sob and he found himself sinking down to the spot next to her.  He reached out and pulled her to him, a warm embrace against the harsh night.  She didn't smile nor did he.  He didn't speak nor did she.  It would never be spoken, the absolution.  Words complicated things.  

_            Absolution.  Absolution reassures everyone that they are forgiven.  Humans always have the chance at absolution, even if it has to be worked for.  Most people expect fireworks and long speeches and lots of hugs when absolution is achieved or given away.  However a person wants to look at it.  Absolution isn't gratification.  Absolution isn't wordy and long and announced.  Absolution is given away surprisingly and no one ever acknowledges it.  It is simply a way to go back to the way things were, a mutual understanding that nothing is given easily and that they will never understand everything that has happened or will happen. Pardon.  Forgiveness. Absolution._


End file.
